Do not adjust your mind, there is a fault with reality!

I sometimes wonder if everyone else in living in some parallel universe and I am peeping in from the outside. Yesterday and the day before the front page headline in the Sun (a loathsome tabloid 'newspaper' owned by the ubiqitous - and odious - Rupert Murdoch, I explain for overseas readers) concerning someone called Vernon.

I have no idea who 'Vernon' is.

Apparently Vernon has been having textsex (sic) with a page 3 lovely (Tuesday's front page) and 5 other women (Wednesday's front page). Someone called Tess Daly is very upset.

Should I be concerned that I have no idea who Vernon is or why anyone would wish to know this information?

The sense of unreality was acclerated on the concourse at Waterloo railway station yesterday morning where I saw a woman with a pink heart shaped balloon in one hand and dragging a rocking horse behind her with the other.

No, I've no idea why.

I have to confess that however much I despise New Labour and all its works, the prospect of a government led by preppy pillock 'Dave' Cameron fills me with increasing nausea. There is an amusing spat going on the the Westminster North constituency. 'Dave' has the habit of parachuting his mates into winnable seats, mostly pneumatic blondes in early middle age. They would appear to have some sort of production line somewhere. Recently something called the Turnip Taliban cut up rough over the splendidly named Elizabeth Truss being dumped as candidate in some Norfolk constituency when it emerged that la Truss had been at it with some married Tory MP or the other. The equally splendidly named Sir Jeremy Bagge led the unsuccessful resistance.

The latest spat is nothing to do with adulterous liasons but a hate/hate relationship between Conservative candidate Joanne Cash (above) and the constituency big bug and chairwoman Amanda Sayers. The bitchslapping has reached a deafening crescendo and Conservative Central Office has had to intervene. The brawl reached a crescendo when Cash resigned as candidate and then unresigned, tweeting triumphantly 'RIP dinosaurs'.

Presumably, we are supposed to treat this shower seriously as a party of government. The rabbit's pen is dipped deep in vitriol in anticipation.

The bloke above is married to la Cash, went to Eton with 'Dave' and is called Octavius Black. He is one ugly fuck! With all his money, couldn't he arrange for a new face?

Sorry to drag law into this but the US Government are not happy bunnies following revelations in the case of Binyamin Mohammed, a British resident and former Guantanamo detainee, that he was tortured and that MI5 (the British Secret Service) knew this. 'Not helpful' complain the US Office of the Director of National Intelligence (sic). The (UK) government had tried to suppress the relevant documents but to its great chagrin failed. The White House pronounces itself 'deeply disappointed'.

The judgement of the Master of the Rolls and all round good thing Lord Neuberger says a number of highly disobliging thisgs about MI5. To such an extent that Jonathan Sumption QC has written to him on behalf of the government seeking the judgement to be toned down. Unfortunately the letter went to other parties to the litigation and the cat is out of the bag. Here is the gist of Mr Sumption's complaint.

Who would have thought such bad things? For those whose idea of as much fun as can be had with your clothes on is reading a very long law report feast your eyes at the link.