The fine looking creature to the left is Timmy the Tortoise. Timmy, who is aged 60, is a resident of Tortoise Garden Sanctuary in St Austell, Cornwall (no, there really is such a place and I am not making this up - it currently has 450 resident abandoned, unwanted, injured and illegally imported tortoises). Let the sanctuary's owner Joy Bloor take up the story - 'I tried introducing him to other tortoises but they don't seem to like him and bully and fight with him'.
A solution has been devised in the - erm - unusual form of Tanya, a plastic toy tortoise (right in pic - okay that was obvious but there you go). Timmy is in love! He brings Tanya lettuce. The fact that she doesn't eat it doesn't seem to concern him, nor does her general lack of responsiveness. He also nuzzles and kisses her and will only go in his hut to settle down for the night if she is put there first. What goes on in the hut at night does not bear thinking about.
On aesthetic grounds, I am not putting up Behind Closed Doors for the happy couple but instead let's have a quick blast of Roxy Music's In Every Dream Home a Heartache- a song about a guy who is in love with a blow up doll. As opposed to a plastic tortoise ...