But he won't and there's nothing the judges can do about it. Not so long as the public keep voting for him. What exactly is going on here? And why is something similar happening on Strictly Come Dancing?
For overseas readers and the terminally inattentive, the large purplish blob above is called Ann Widdecombe. The aforesaid Ann Widdecombe, a retired Conservative politician is a contestant on Strictly Come Dancing. Before this, she was simply known for (a) being a 63 year old virgin (b) converting from the Church of England to Roman Catholicism in fright at the idea of women priests (c) some unpleasantness when she was Prisons Minister involving pregnant prisoners being shackled to the delivery bed when giving birth (d) looking like a hippo. Oh and the counterintuitive bit is that she is against foxhunting. Now the rabbit has actually seen a little of this programme and can comment on Widders (as she has become affectionately known since she became national treasure and everybody's favourite batty aunt) dancing abilities.
Can she dance? Nope. She is crap.
Has this stopped the public voting for her in the face of noisy condemnation from the judges? Nope. Comparably talentless political journalist John Sergeant withdrew last year (or whenever it was) when it looked like there was a serious danger that he might win. Widders has no such scruples. She's in it to win it.
Now there is plainly a pattern here. Why is the public kicking over the traces? Well, firstly, the British love a loser. It's hardwired into our DNA. As is irony. There is plainly a pair of ironic statements going on. Mostly, though it seems to be about blowing a very loud raspberry to the professionals in general and Simon Cowell in particular. There is a 'Wagner to Win X Factor’ facebook page with 44,600 members (and no doubt rising) run by a 39 year old named Mark Mordue who lives with his mother in her Newcastle council house (bless!). ‘I can’t wait to see the look on Cowell’s face if Wagner wins. I hope it teaches him a lesson' announced Mark.
In the meantime, Cowell appears to have lost the plot, denouncing fellow judge and Wagner baiter Cheryl Cole as 'mad'. Cowell also compared (male) judge Louis Walsh to (very former) Coronation Street character Ena Sharples (below).
Turning to matters cricketing, the rabbit has not commented so far on the First Ashes Test in Brisbane. This is not through lack of interest but because - one way or the other - he can barely look. 'It’s not the despair. I can cope with the despair. It’s the hope. That’s what’s killing me' – John Cleese, Clockwise. At the end of day 4 the scores stand at England 260 & 309/1, Australia 481. It will almost certainly be a draw. Yes, a sporting contest that lasts 5 days and does not produce a result may seem weird - but in the case of the present Test also utterly compulsive. This is as good as it gets. Above is a group of Barmy Army (travelling English supporters) making a lot of noise on day 1 - and obviously annoying lots of elderly Australians.
Oh and with Hat Tip to jailhouselawyer for introducing him to them, the rabbit has become a big fan of the Daily Telegraph animal pictures of the week . The link has this week's crop. Particular fun are images 7 (a bull being chased by a crane) and 11 (a pelican with a beer bottle).